Effective Strategies for Managing Your Tween’s / Teen's Anger

Children are filled with emotions and most of it is unregulated until we slowly teach them how to cope with these feelings. Anger is a common emotion that parents report seeing in their tweens/teens. During this time in your child’s development they are going through physical, cognitive, and emotional changes that stir up confusion and uncertainty.  They are in the midst of a mix of feelings: one moment they want to feel mature and independent, and the next, they are clinging onto their child-like self. They can feel frightened by all this change, and in turn, parenting during this time often feels like an emotional roller coaster.

 How we respond to their anger is one of the most powerful parenting moments. Do we sit there and quietly take it? Do we offer a touch? Do we sit back, offer reassurance, and let it pass? Do we get angry back and slam doors? Parents are often on the receiving end of a slew of unprocessed anger and we feel the most lost when we are the most triggered. Please see my future post on emotional triggers for more on how to handle these triggers when they come up.

Tips to Handle your Tween’s / Teen's Emotional Roller-coaster:

Tip # 1

Normalize their experience of feeling out of control. Tweens are not only dealing with their big feelings but they often feel "crazy" for having these feelings. Normalizing their big feelings is grounding.

You can say: "I know you’re feeling all crazy and jumbled up inside, but this is normal. This time can be a confusing mix of big, strong feelings."

Tip # 2

Let them know it will pass. Emotions are like a wave.They come and they go.

Tip # 3

Point out the wave after things have cooled down. This helps them to see that their strong emotions always subside. Feelings are not stagnant and this is VERY reassuring.

Tip # 4

Let them emote. Give them space to express their feelings, but don't let them hurt people or things. Put a container around their anger so they don't feel more out of control. Many parents swing between being either too permissive or too controlling. It is hard. Trust me, I know how hard it is. With some practice, you will find the sweet spot.

Tip # 5

Establish appropriate boundaries. Kids don't want to feel like their anger and rage is limitless. No one wants all that power. They want their grown ups to establish a firm boundary and you can do this alongside a loving stance.

You can say: “It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to slam doors or break things. It’s not okay to name-call or to insult me."

Tip # 6

Hold onto the core value of being respected. This is a tough one and many parents struggle with how to toe the line between being loving and supportive while not being a 'doormat.'

You can say: "I can see how angry you’re feeling, but we don't hurt people or things when we’re angry. Period. I love you and I’m here, but I will not let you talk to me that way. When you’ve cooled down and you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here."

Tip # 7

Stay consistent. Kids at this stage need a consistent message. It is grounding for a tween who is feeling out of control to have their grown up respond in a reliable and consistent way.

Most importantly, find your parent network. Just like the teen or tween that feels alone and scared about all of these changes, parents feel lonely and isolated during this time. Finding a social network of peer parents is vital.  Parents need other parents to help them weather the challenges of this time. Just like our tweens, we need to feel reassured that we’re not crazy and we’re not alone.

Supporting a Struggling Student: Lessons from Parenting a Child with Dyslexia

I recently published an article for Motherly about my own experience parenting a child with a learning disability. My daughter has dyslexia. The path to getting her the help she needed was not always a clear one. I know first hand how daunting it can feel when your child is struggling at school. There are so many options from tutoring, to receiving resources within the school, getting a neuropsychological evaluation, to shifting your child into a special education setting. Many of these options are costly and it is difficult to know which options are going to help.

Tips for Your Struggling Student:

Tip # 1

Get your child evaluated earlier rather than later. A neuropsychological evaluation can help tease apart what your child is struggling with at school and this evaluation can help you choose the appropriate intervention. These evaluations can be costly, but there are lower-fee options available at university and hospital settings. Depending on your state, the department of education is often required to provide a basic evaluation if a child is exhibiting below average performance in school.

Tip # 2

Be sure to include your child on the feedback session following the evaluation. Allowing your child to see their strengths along with areas of growth will help bolster their confidence during this fragile time.

Tip # 3

Find a tutor/mentor with whom your child feels connected. This relationship matters! Your child needs to feel supported and challenged by this person but most importantly, they need to feel safe.

Tip # 4

Create open lines of communication with your child's school. Attend IEP and or IESP meetings and feel empowered to advocate on their behalf. You know them well and they need to hear your voice!

Tip # 5

Focus on your child's strengths. They already feel the weight of their challenges. Take the load off by helping them celebrate their super strengths. My daughter now openly talks about her dyslexia with her peers and adults and sees her dyslexia as her superpower. She sees the world differently and she is proud of her journey even if it wasn't always a smooth ride.

Tip # 7

Find something your child enjoys outside of school and allow your child to feel great in this area. Don't just prioritize academics because when a child is feeling depleted and insecure in this area of their life, they need to feel you value other parts of themselves.

Check out my article on Motherly to learn more about my experience navigating this process:

Please send me emails with questions about this topic and I will happily create posts to answer specific questions. I get so many questions from parents about what to do when they have a struggling reader/learner. Please feel free to reach out so that this parent community can help support one another.

Tuning into My ADHD Kid: How to Build Core Regulation Skills for My ADHD Child

Children with ADHD struggle with a host of executive functioning skills that come more easily for neurotypical kids. These skills include organizing, planning and problem solving, cognitive flexibility and inhibition and impulsivity. Parenting a child with ADHD can feel like a long, and difficult journey. Parents need support from both clinical experts in addition to a peer network. Rest assured that as parents, we can play a vital and effective role in laying the foundation of core regulation skills.

Tips to Help Your Kid Build Regulation Skills:

Tip # 1

Sleep. Sleep cannot be emphasized enough here. Kids with ADHD have increased symptomology when they are sleep deprived. Be sure to keep a regular sleep and wake time for your kids and get close to their daily sleep need requirement. See this chart for more information about your child’s sleep needs.

Tip # 2

Nutrition. Kids with ADHD can be sensitive to high sugar and processed foods. Keep a regular, healthy diet for your ADHD child. Be sure to stick to a regular meal/snack schedule. The occasional cupcake or cookie is part of being a kid, but limiting overall sugar intake will help manage behavior dysregulation and mood swings.

Tip # 3

Implement changes slowly. Build Short Checklists. Kids with ADHD need routine, but they also feel easily overwhelmed when they are presented with too many changes all at once. Little by little you can implement new routines for your child that will allow them to feel effective and competent.

Tip # 4

Build in down-time for your ADHD kid. Your ADHD child is working very hard all day long. They need down-time. Talk to them about what they like to do during down-time and build this into your daily schedule.

Tip # 5

Monitor screen time. A little bit of downtime through screen time is expected for kids. Be clear on your screen time limits with your child. Find other ways to engage your ADHD child outside of screen time by building in social time with friends, physical time outside and time with family. Read the American Academy of Pediatrics Screen Time Guidelines here.

Tip # 6

Exercise.  Physical activity has been proven to help manage ADHD kids’ behavior and mood. ADHD kids are often getting negative attention at school due to the amount of sustained attention that is required of kids during the school day. Find a physical activity that your child loves and let them feel amazing in this space. Even better if the physical activity can happen outside in some fresh air!

Tip # 7

Make the Invisible Visible. Take a task and talk it through, step by step and put it on a whiteboard or a pad of paper so that they can see each step.  Brainstorm out-loud and turn this brainstorm into something visual.

Tip # 8

Give them manageable household tasks to take on independently. This builds self-efficacy and fosters a sense of mattering.  Kids need to feel like they matter and that their work is valued, especially kids with ADHD who often suffer from poor self-esteem due to negative perceptions from teachers and peers.

Tip # 9

Be Consistent with your messaging. Be loving, empathic while firm. All kids need love and empathy, but they also crave boundaries and limits.  Kids with ADHD are particularly susceptible to inconsistent messaging, and they are grounded when they know that their parent will reliably respond with a consistent message.

Tip # 10

 Positive Reinforcement. Don’t forget to remind your kiddo when they are doing a good job. And don’t forget to give yourself a pat on the back for the patience, care, and sustained effort that it takes to parent a child with ADHD.