Effective Strategies for Managing Your Tween’s / Teen's Anger
Children are filled with emotions and most of it is unregulated until we slowly teach them how to cope with these feelings. Anger is a common emotion that parents report seeing in their tweens/teens. During this time in your child’s development they are going through physical, cognitive, and emotional changes that stir up confusion and uncertainty. They are in the midst of a mix of feelings: one moment they want to feel mature and independent, and the next, they are clinging onto their child-like self. They can feel frightened by all this change, and in turn, parenting during this time often feels like an emotional roller coaster.
How we respond to their anger is one of the most powerful parenting moments. Do we sit there and quietly take it? Do we offer a touch? Do we sit back, offer reassurance, and let it pass? Do we get angry back and slam doors? Parents are often on the receiving end of a slew of unprocessed anger and we feel the most lost when we are the most triggered. Please see my future post on emotional triggers for more on how to handle these triggers when they come up.
Tips to Handle your Tween’s / Teen's Emotional Roller-coaster:
Tip # 1
Normalize their experience of feeling out of control. Tweens are not only dealing with their big feelings but they often feel "crazy" for having these feelings. Normalizing their big feelings is grounding.
You can say: "I know you’re feeling all crazy and jumbled up inside, but this is normal. This time can be a confusing mix of big, strong feelings."
Tip # 2
Let them know it will pass. Emotions are like a wave.They come and they go.
Tip # 3
Point out the wave after things have cooled down. This helps them to see that their strong emotions always subside. Feelings are not stagnant and this is VERY reassuring.
Tip # 4
Let them emote. Give them space to express their feelings, but don't let them hurt people or things. Put a container around their anger so they don't feel more out of control. Many parents swing between being either too permissive or too controlling. It is hard. Trust me, I know how hard it is. With some practice, you will find the sweet spot.
Tip # 5
Establish appropriate boundaries. Kids don't want to feel like their anger and rage is limitless. No one wants all that power. They want their grown ups to establish a firm boundary and you can do this alongside a loving stance.
You can say: “It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to slam doors or break things. It’s not okay to name-call or to insult me."
Tip # 6
Hold onto the core value of being respected. This is a tough one and many parents struggle with how to toe the line between being loving and supportive while not being a 'doormat.'
You can say: "I can see how angry you’re feeling, but we don't hurt people or things when we’re angry. Period. I love you and I’m here, but I will not let you talk to me that way. When you’ve cooled down and you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here."
Tip # 7
Stay consistent. Kids at this stage need a consistent message. It is grounding for a tween who is feeling out of control to have their grown up respond in a reliable and consistent way.
Most importantly, find your parent network. Just like the teen or tween that feels alone and scared about all of these changes, parents feel lonely and isolated during this time. Finding a social network of peer parents is vital. Parents need other parents to help them weather the challenges of this time. Just like our tweens, we need to feel reassured that we’re not crazy and we’re not alone.
